Nothing's Good Enough! I Can't Win...!

Since my Dad’s eldest sister passed away in 2000 (I knew it would never be the same), I have looked after and supported my Dad’s two other sisters: Auntie Cora (passed away in 2006 at the age of 73 years old) and Auntie Bitang who is currently aged 86 years old, without a single cent from anyone (from Auntie Vicky, unmarried, been in America since 1969; Uncle Tony, married with 2 daughters, been in America since 1969; Auntie Pacing, married with 4 sons, in Paniqui; Uncle Toming, unmarried, very sick though, migrated to America in 1985)… in the house that was left to me in Manila. I knew that once she’s gone… bundled with it were billions of family problems that she used to carry in her shoulders, which I was shielded from it when she was alive.

My Auntie Delang was a doctor and she raised me and sent me to a Catholic private school and to university. My own father didn’t spend a cent for my education. I actually grew up with my Auntie Delang and my grandmother since I was two years old. I barely saw my mother… only saw her once in Manila as she can’t travel very far. My Dad came to Manila every month until I was in Uni.

When I was nine years old, she formally adopted me. Her reason behind it was the allowance allowed for taxation. She told me this at that time. However, as I was growing up she told me: “Do study very well because one day the things you see now will no longer be there. And the only thing in this world that no one can take it away from you – your knowledge.” Being young and carefree, I never understood the latter part.

This was the reason I burnt my eyebrows. Part of it was to prove to them that I was different from my brothers and sisters who were hanged up on inheritance, and I had a different outlook in life. I’ve always put my best foot forward. I never answered back (otherwise, I'll be deemed as ungrateful and disrespectful) to my Auntie Delang or other aunts/uncles whenever I get a dressing down. I just bowed my head and took it all in with tears covering my eyes. I only left the room when told so.

Now, even to this day especially from Auntie Vicky, it seemed to her that whatever I did it wasn’t good enough. When she came to visit me here in Brisbane in 2006, I treated her to lunch and dinner, drove her everywhere – Byron Bay, Currumbin Sanctuary, Tamborine Mountains, Noosa, Gold Coast, and Southbank. I said to her when she said I am spending a lot on her. I replied to her: That it’s nothing. I'm just happy you're here. It was my way of saying Thank You to all the things you’ve done for me." And one night while I was washing the dishes, she said to me: “I regret you being adopted.” I just dispensed what she said and pretended that I didn’t hear. But when she went back to Manila, she told everyone that I was a show off, lazy for not cooking because I took her out a lot, that she was sorry for my boys because I didn’t know how to look after them, that I was spoiling them, and that bragged about it was just right for me to treat her and make her stay free.

Honestly, I felt I don’t have a place anywhere. In Manila, being where I am in status, my unfortunate brothers and sisters would be relying on me. Just like now, thanks to Auntie Bitang during her interference, I actually supporting my two sisters. They’re living in the apartment for free since 2004. They claimed that they aren’t making any money from student bedspacers. I didn’t want them in there because I didn’t want to have a fight with them about money... but I couldn't do anything then. Auntie Bitang accused me then of being selfish.

How on earth I've been selfish? In fact, I brought: Koyang Fred in 1988, tomboy Ate Cita in 1989, Koyang Celes in 1990- to Melbourne, tomboy Ate Lita in 1993 in Brisbane, tomboy Ate Cita in 1996 in Indonesia.... I paid all their airfares and allowances.

Then, when Auntie Vicky comes back for a holiday, she claimed she owns the house and she made repairs to the house and asked for reimbursement. Whenever she's in Manila, she stayed in the house free of charge because I paid for the maid, electricity, food allowance, etc. She complained about trusting my maid, Rose. The bottom line: How can you be comfortable working for someone if you know they don't trust you???

Rose had been with me since 1997 before I left her in 2002 to care for my Auntie Delang, Auntie Cora, and Auntie Bitang. The thing was Rose gets paid 2500 pesos a month (never had an increase since 2002), a live-in maid who did eveything and including babysitting my boys when we were in Manila (bathing, cooking, feeding). She was so great with my boys and had put up with my nagger Auntie Bitang. Mind you, she wasn't allowed to watch the television when I wasn't there....

What about here in Brisbane? Nobody seemed to understand that I have this pressure of how my two boys will be. In our culture, I will be blame for the outcome of my two boys because I was the adult who was supposedly had the input in their lives. Their father is always away working overseas.